Is It Cheating If Nothing Happened?

You feel like something's not right in your marriage. Constant fights, desire to win arguments, silent treatment, crying in the bathroom, laundry room, car?

You decide it's enough, you don't want to be helpless. But every conversation is a no-go. Week after week, month after month.

You find out tears come no more, but resentment is still there. There's an uncontrollable urge to do something.

You are tired of all sentences being well-thought-out before you reply, before you become aware that things have fallen apart.

Conversation after conversation, there's no negotiation happening. You get to a point where you tell yourself "You know what? Screw it."

All of a sudden, you don't care what you are talking about anymore. The answer is no.

You get to a point where you want to walk away from this "deal", aka relationship.

Off mic, you allude to online affairs. You decide in your head you will bucket your reasons as to why. The reasons that demand you take action . . .

So the online affair is the early pass you give yourself. You've learned something in due diligence that is what concerns you. The first point is whether things are fixable or unfixable. Have you been penalized?

Things that point to real internal issues. What does an affair look like? Is sending messages across affair subreddits cheating? Any change comes with the caveat of risk.

If you send a message online, does that mean it's wrong?

That's what the Four-Factor model tried to give an answer to. The model was developed by researchers Anneke Thompson and Lucia O'Sullivan. There might be sex involved, but breaking it down is not sexy and it's not cool.

Level 1 : intercourse, oral sex, and passionate kissing.

Level 2: sexting, sending digital photos, having dating profiles, or sending flirtatious private messages.

Level 3 : emotional display of affection such as sharing marriage secrets, proclaiming love, or holding hands.

Level 4 : viewing porn or harbouring sexual fantasies about an acquaintance

There is something quite unrealistic about the Four-Factor model though. We could pit it against the Five-Tier model instead.

Tier 1 : workplace crushes, keeping in touch with exes

Tier 2 : daily texting, venting about marital flaws, secretive confiding

Tier 3 : sexting, sending provocative images, browsing active dating profiles — This is where cheating can be declared as "occurred"

Tier 4 : kissing, isolated hookups, or paying for escorts while travelling (or not travelling?)

Tier 5 : parallel double life → Sustained long-term emotional and physical romantic partnership ; Kaboom!

These sound like 4 categories of burn. But unlike burns, there's a difference in interpretation between men and women. While sexual acts are deemed "at fault" by both parties, there's the gray area (4 shades of) . . .

A man might have this model in mind where it's okay to speak with his ex, but to a woman that'd be crazy. Of course, the inverse can be true. Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling coined the term "micro-cheating".

Micro as in micro lending? Someone lends their body, emotional availability for some small amount? How do you quantify that? Is "micro-cheating" when you spend less than 10% of the time thinking of that other person and 90% on the current relationship?

Is this a case of classic conundrum where you don't want to be a minority "shareholder" in relationships? Or you want to be, and you'd be happy with that frame of mind. What's your cheating model? What does it line up for you?

Is it micro cheating when you save an acquaintance under another name or, in heterosexual couples, a "same-gender" name?

Affairs are funny. You could be an okay person and get four offers. You could be a "great catch" and get zero offers. It's a bit of an undulation. Sometimes the affairs sector is on fire, sometimes the macro environment changes for the worst.

The mechanics of cheating have been described a pretty good deal by psychologist Shirley Glass, where you place yourself out there and check what the market looks like, and if you can get the appropriate people around the table, and check if a deal is the right amount at the right time, you might take the deal.

It has to do with being intentional about what you can get out there, and you do that by having another window overlooking outside the safe sanctuary perimeter that's been built around the relationship. Typically, you've got the cake eaters where they want to own the whole whole affair + family.

Cake eaters believe profusely that a lifestyle is not just possible but probable. If life is short, and you want to do whatever makes you happy, what do you tell your kids (or don't tell) ? Do you show them your Reddit, Kia, Telegram, Snap history?

What happened to transparency? Is a marriage like an earn-out? If you don’t meet the terms, you don’t get the benefits.